Browsing Tag

depression

Day to Day Getting Started Races

Goal Met! + Other Updates

Me and my nieces

Hello everyone! I hope everyone’s 2017 is treating them well so far. March was busy but good, one of the highlights was completing the Anthem 5K in Louisville. I’ve completed this race before but it felt different this time. I ran more in this race than I ever did in my training sessions and it felt good and empowering. I honestly wish that I could do it again and so I’m going to keep an eye out for another one in the fall.

This morning was the first time I stepped on the scale in over a month. It didn’t seem like my weight was budging and I thought it might be a good idea to skip the scale for a bit. I stepped on the scale and I saw a number I hadn’t seen since August ’14 — the 240s. I assumed I didn’t have all my weight on the scale and stepped on it again and it gave me the exact same number.

40+ lbs lost!

YES!!!

Hannah from Girls Dancing!

Y’all don’t even realize how happy that made me. When I first began “doing better” last spring it was a really dark time for me. I was nearing 300lbs, I had constant back pain and was developing sciatic pain. I was severely depressed and disappointed in myself. What I’m feeling today is a complete 180 from that time. I have back pain from time to time but it’s not as debilitating as before, and I find I only experience it when I’m not active or do something stupid. Along with medication and exercise I haven’t experienced depression like before — thank god.

My big weight goal is to hit 240 and I’m close. 240 is where I first began in 2011 when I lost weight initially. It’s not going to be a walk in the park but I feel like when I hit 240 it’s going to be easier to keep the motivation. For now, here’s a super addicting song to workout to! Enjoy and feel free to share anything you’re digging at the moment.

Transparency Thursday

Transparency Thursday

I’m beginning a new series here called Transparency Thursday. I’m going to attempt to blog weekly about how things are really going whether positive or negative. I want to keep things honest because this is going to be a lifestyle for me, and I do hope I can help someone. First bit of transparency: it’s now Friday when I’m posting this! ;P

Summer has definitely hit here and it’s zapped any motivation I’ve had toward exercising the last couple of weeks. While my wallet is happy I’m not spending extra money on a gym membership, it does suck when the weather is miserable. One of the (many) problems with not exercising is I’ve been used to eating a certain amount of calories because I’ve been exercising, and so I’ve found myself going over my calorie allotment for the day. This in turn, discourages me, which leads me to treating myself more than I need, and with unhealthy food. Thankfully, I’ve only gained about 3 lbs as a result but I want to curb this habit.

The last two weeks I’ve felt like a failure. I’m only on day 62 so I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. Being “off the wagon” for about two weeks has made me more aware that I’m not a happy person when I’m not exercising, or eating well, or reaching my goals. I’ve definitely experienced a number of mood swings in this short amount of time, which has left me depressed or angry. I’ve been irritable AF. Just ask Cory.

Thankfully, a couple days ago, I got tired of being negative and started counting calories again. I made time to go to the grocery and pick up food that isn’t so calorie heavy to have for breakfast and lunch this week. Just the act of going to the grocery made me feel better. I’ve been trying to make a little time to walk here and there even if I’m miserable in the heat.

I think the thing that really has my mind in the right place is the program I attended at work today. Our theme for Summer Reading this year is exercising your mind and body. The program today featured one of the owners of a local gym I used to attend, whom I really look up to. The discussion today was the power of exercise, both chemically and emotionally, and how it can stave off diseases. I left feeling motivated and ready to jump back into things. If you’re reading this, Lisa: thank you!

How is everyone doing this week? See you all next week!

Day to Day

The inspiration of tight pants

It’s no secret that I’ve been off the wagon for about a year now. The weight has slowly crept up, and at the time I was dealing with a lot of other emotions, such as anxiety and depression. Needless to say, working out and eating healthy was far from my first priority with school and everything else.

Today as I was getting ready for work, I realized my usual pair of khakis was in the wash and I had to face the truth. I put on a pair of Dickies’ that are a size 18, they weren’t exactly loose when I bought them, and they have zero stretch to them. As I pulled them up to my hips, I realized just how much weight I’ve put back on. I inhaled and sucked in long enough to get them zipped and reluctantly buttoned. I found a loose blouse I could wear so no one could see my body protruding over my pants. At least I hope they couldn’t.

I’ve made a point to not weigh myself recently and I know it’s not good to avoid the scale when you’re not exercising and eating poorly. I know. I should’ve weighed myself when we got back from Europe, because we walked anywhere from 15-23K steps a day even on days we spent the airport. I know I lost some weight on vacation. Even as we were coming back, my thought was: I’ve got a good start, focus on getting over 10-12K steps a day. If I lived in Europe, that wouldn’t be a problem. Living in Kentucky, I can’t get that just by commuting. I actually have to do some work if I want to get the recommended 10K steps.

Sure, I could make more excuses as to why I’ve put on weight or how hard it is to get start over again. It is hard as hell to start over yet again. Unfortunately, my excuses don’t burn any calories. Even if it’s hot out, I have a gym membership that I’m paying for every month; I have workout videos if I don’t feel like driving. I need to own this weight I’ve put on and quit talking about the fact it’s there and do something about it.

I’m not going to make some sort of sweeping declaration like I’m going to do x, y, and z, because I will set myself up for disappointment changing too many things at once. I’m just going to try moving more at the moment to get my body back in the habit. Typically when I exercise, I tend to eat better and eat less bad stuff without even trying. We shall see how this goes…

Day to Day

Where I’ve been…

I’ve been wanting to write here for a while but I haven’t really made the time to sit down and simply start writing. I enjoy blogging a lot, but in the list of things I have to do blogging tends to fall down toward the bottom of the list. I need to change that because it does help to get the words down for myself and hopefully someone out there can relate to the things that I write.

I last updated around August about halting calorie counting indefinitely. The short version of what has happened in that time is that I finally got my thyroid levels in a normal range (for now), but also in that same day, I was put on medicine for depression and anxiety. I’ve dealt with depression since I was about 16 years old, it would come and go through the years depending on the environment I was in. The anxiety is new though. I’m not really sure when it started but it really reared its head last semester.

I was finally back to full-time at school and it was all very overwhelming. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was feeling my moods swing back and forth, I couldn’t focus, I would wake up to my heart beating rapidly, I started crying at random, and every little thing was beginning to stress me out to the max. I remember one specific time being in the cafeteria at school and I felt like everyone was staring at me and the room was closing in on me. I finally had to leave the building and get on the bus to go home despite still having classes to go to. I’ve never enjoyed crowds but it hasn’t got to the point that I had to remove myself from an environment, and so I knew something was going on with me.

I went to the doctor in November after having some blood work done for my thyroid and she told me it was finally in a normal range. I started tearing up when she told me that and she asked what was wrong when she saw the tears in my eyes. I started weeping in her office because if it wasn’t my thyroid causing this what was? Was I going crazy? In between weeping and trying to breathe, I told her about all the things I had been feeling lately. She was very comforting and understanding, as she had once been in my situation, and finally asked if I wanted some “help”. I knew what “help” meant: pills. I didn’t accept right away but the more I thought about it, it seemed like the best option. I knew I couldn’t keep feeling the way I did.

anxiety
Credit: Unknown

I started taking the pills she prescribed and the first week was a night and day difference. I was actually sleeping through the night and I felt rested when I woke. I was feeling carefree; a little too carefree at times — oh, I have a test tomorrow? I don’t need to study… I’ll be ok! Not to divulge too much info but I was actually going to the bathroom like a normal person. It’s amazing what stress does to your body. For the most part, my moods have become more normal, and while I don’t feel 100%, it’s definitely an improvement from where I was.

I guess the biggest thing that has changed is my weight which I think started some of the anxiety. I have gained most of my weight back that I’ve lost. I stepped on the scale about a week ago and and my heart sunk when I saw 232 lbs.Β It’s a bit disheartening . . . ok a lot disheartening. I haven’t really gone around a lot of people because I know I’ll be too worried that they’re thinking “Wow, she gained all of her weight back!” I typically don’t worry what others think of me but that is one thing I fear.

I’m currently working on getting myself mentally healthy and making changes here and there to get myself ready for shedding these pounds off + more. I know once it warms up and the sun is out more often I’ll perk up and have no problems getting outdoors to get this weight off. But one step at a time…