My Story

It’s been a while…

It’s been almost two years since I’ve written here, and to say I’ve been off the wagon would be an understatement. Life happens as it does, and unfortunately I didn’t make eating well and exercising a priority. As a result, I’ve put on about 80 lbs from my lightest, which is a new highest for me. 80lbs extra isn’t good for anyone, especially someone with a 5’3 frame. I know it’s going to be a long road for me because I didn’t put this on overnight but I’ve got to do this now.

I’ve been thinking about the topic of health for a few months now. It began when I started weaning myself off of anti-depressants — with my doctor’s approval of course. I felt that my depression and anxiety was situational and due to college, and I didn’t like the zombie it was turning me into. I’m to the point now where I’m only taking medication once a week. It’s been 3 months and it has been hell getting to this point. When times are bad they get really dark, and I find myself wondering if this was a dumb experiment. Then there are the good days when I feel alive and happy once again.

This week started out with me weighing myself, because I didn’t feel like a sad piece of shit enough. LOL. I had my cry and reached out to a therapist who focuses on depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. Cory and I ended up going out for a walk once I felt better. I am so thankful I have a partner I can talk to, and isn’t like Oh, she’s in one of her moods… I’ll let her be until she’s in a better mood.

This week has been a really good week as far as food and exercising. I’m trying my hardest not to jump in completely and become obsessed. I spent Monday putting the food I ate into MyFitnessPal just to see if I still felt anxiety when it came to calorie counting. I set it up so that my goal was to lose .5lb this week. It’s not much but I didn’t want to cut my calories drastically and set myself up for failure. My intent was just to do a couple days this week just to see how it went. One day turned into two, two days turned into the whole week without me realizing it! I was under all but one day this week and I lost a little over 7lbs as of today. I felt full this week and I didn’t feel like I was giving up anything I really wanted. Last night I even had ice cream as a treat. I don’t expect a huge number next week, I may even gain, but I’ve got to continue to try. This week I’ve felt pretty motivated and energetic. The latter is something I’ve not felt in a very long time and definitely motivation to keep going.

Flooded Trail
Thankfully there were paved trails!

I leave you with some inspiration… A few years ago, my friend Tim shared the following video and it has always stuck with me. Ben’s story reminds me of myself and how I first began working on my fitness and it makes me cry every damn time. What you don’t see in this video is he eventually gains 150 lbs back. He has since lost weight, and he’s currently walking across America (L.A. to Boston) and documenting it online. He’s my inspiration!

To find out more about Ben, visit his blog and Instagram: @bendoeslife

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8 Comments

  • Reply
    Anita Conder
    May 1, 2016 at 3:13 pm

    High five and standing ovation to you, Pam! Glad to see you here! I’ve been doing weight watchers meetings for 5 weeks now and I’m down 11#, but I missed this past Saturday.
    You can do this! I don’t know the medication struggle, I’m sure it must be VERY frustrating. My therapist helps me as well, trying to kick the binge eating habit. It sucks that other people can treat food for its intended purpose, energy and fuel, not me. It’s a comfort drug. Or something that helps me “numb out”.
    I’ve been dabbling with the idea of beginning a blog, too. I started one a few years ago and it faded away. I have a word press account, I just haven’t take. The leap to make the first post. Maybe I feel too vulnerable right now. I barely mention my weight loss right now on Fb or any other social media except for ww connect (a Fb/ Instagram hybrid for member to connect). I think maybe you’ve inspired me to step out!

    • Reply
      Pam
      May 1, 2016 at 6:47 pm

      Anita, that’s amazing that you’re doing WW! I assume you’re following the points plan as well? Congrats on the weight loss!

      I believe the medication struggle will be better once I get off of anti-depressants all together. While they did help in many ways, they made me very apathetic about life and taking care of myself. I COMPLETELY understand what you mean about binge eating. It sounds like you’re getting the help you need which is awesome.

      Please start a blog! You’d be great at it and it’s definitely another way to keep your head in the game. You’ve got this girlie!

  • Reply
    Dorothy Inman
    May 1, 2016 at 3:46 pm

    I’m so proud of you for writing this and for starting your journey again. I know it’s been a struggle for you, but you’ve always been an inspiration to me. I’ve too been basically gone for two years and really want to start writing again, but not only that have been going through issues with depression. I hope that we can be an encouragement to each other. Love you lady. I’m was so happy to see this pop up on my radar this afternoon. :)

    • Reply
      Pam
      May 1, 2016 at 6:48 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind comments, Dorothy! You’re so sweet!

      Depression sucks the life out of you. Do write. It’ll be good for you and for other people who stumble across your blog who might be in a similar situation! Keep your head up! Love you too! :D

  • Reply
    Rebecca Jo
    May 2, 2016 at 7:52 am

    So glad to see you back!
    Life is a roller coaster, isn’t it? We all have our ups & downs… & probably will again. I’m excited for you to start your journey again. We’ll all be cheering you on.
    I always wonder if people that see that vidoe realize that he gained all that weight back? But I SO LOVE he’s gotten it off again & I have loved following his walk across the country now. So inspiring. It’s about never giving up! Right? :)

    • Reply
      Pam
      May 2, 2016 at 12:09 pm

      Thank you, Rebecca and thanks for commenting. You have been kicking butt and taking names! You look fantastic!

      You’re definitely right, life is a roller coaster, but I guess that’s what makes it interesting sometimes. I’m not sure if people simply watch the video and get inspiration or delve deeper. It doesn’t matter either way, he is an inspiration! :D

  • Reply
    Christine Vaughan
    May 2, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    This is awesome and inspiring. You have an amazing outlook and you are doing it the right way. I am on my own journey after two years of harsh meds that messed up my body. I should totally be off of them in two months and hope to continue my “getting healthy again” attitude. You are healing me with your words and actions.

    • Reply
      Pam
      May 13, 2016 at 11:20 pm

      Thanks Christine, that’s so sweet of you to say. I won’t pry and ask what kinds of medications you were on, but if you’re weening off anti-depressants, it was like the veil was lifted eventually. Good luck with your journey and please do stay in touch! I want to hear all about it! :)

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