anxiety

Where I’ve been…

I’ve been wanting to write here for a while but I haven’t really made the time to sit down and simply start writing. I enjoy blogging a lot, but in the list of things I have to do blogging tends to fall down toward the bottom of the list. I need to change that because it does help to get the words down for myself and hopefully someone out there can relate to the things that I write.

I last updated around August about halting calorie counting indefinitely. The short version of what has happened in that time is that I finally got my thyroid levels in a normal range (for now), but also in that same day, I was put on medicine for depression and anxiety. I’ve dealt with depression since I was about 16 years old, it would come and go through the years depending on the environment I was in. The anxiety is new though. I’m not really sure when it started but it really reared its head last semester.

I was finally back to full-time at school and it was all very overwhelming. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was feeling my moods swing back and forth, I couldn’t focus, I would wake up to my heart beating rapidly, I started crying at random, and every little thing was beginning to stress me out to the max. I remember one specific time being in the cafeteria at school and I felt like everyone was staring at me and the room was closing in on me. I finally had to leave the building and get on the bus to go home despite still having classes to go to. I’ve never enjoyed crowds but it hasn’t got to the point that I had to remove myself from an environment, and so I knew something was going on with me.

I went to the doctor in November after having some blood work done for my thyroid and she told me it was finally in a normal range. I started tearing up when she told me that and she asked what was wrong when she saw the tears in my eyes. I started weeping in her office because if it wasn’t my thyroid causing this what was? Was I going crazy? In between weeping and trying to breathe, I told her about all the things I had been feeling lately. She was very comforting and understanding, as she had once been in my situation, and finally asked if I wanted some “help”. I knew what “help” meant: pills. I didn’t accept right away but the more I thought about it, it seemed like the best option. I knew I couldn’t keep feeling the way I did.

anxiety
Credit: Unknown

I started taking the pills she prescribed and the first week was a night and day difference. I was actually sleeping through the night and I felt rested when I woke. I was feeling carefree; a little too carefree at times — oh, I have a test tomorrow? I don’t need to study… I’ll be ok! Not to divulge too much info but I was actually going to the bathroom like a normal person. It’s amazing what stress does to your body. For the most part, my moods have become more normal, and while I don’t feel 100%, it’s definitely an improvement from where I was.

I guess the biggest thing that has changed is my weight which I think started some of the anxiety. I have gained most of my weight back that I’ve lost. I stepped on the scale about a week ago and and my heart sunk when I saw 232 lbs. It’s a bit disheartening . . . ok a lot disheartening. I haven’t really gone around a lot of people because I know I’ll be too worried that they’re thinking “Wow, she gained all of her weight back!” I typically don’t worry what others think of me but that is one thing I fear.

I’m currently working on getting myself mentally healthy and making changes here and there to get myself ready for shedding these pounds off + more. I know once it warms up and the sun is out more often I’ll perk up and have no problems getting outdoors to get this weight off. But one step at a time…

Pam

  8 comments

  1. Amy   •  

    I’m glad your thyroid levels are finally normal. I understand the feeling crazy. I’ve been like that but I have suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life. I think it’s worsened lately too because I’ve gained weight as well. I’m back at 244 from my lowest of 224 back in January 2012. I’m terrified it’s just going to keep going up and I’m going to be back at almost 300 lbs again.

    And now there’s all this wedding stuff going on. I just feel so done lately.

    I hope the medication helps and you continue to improve. :)

    • Pam   •     Author

      It sounds like you have a lot of stress going on. Just keep your head up and try to make healthy choices when you can if you can’t make it to the gym. Keep reminding yourself of what it felt like to be at your highest weight and maybe that’ll inspire you to not get back there. I know it’s definitely easier said that done! I’m here if you ever want to chat! :)

  2. Anita   •  

    Wow, Pam!
    1. It was great to hear from you!
    2. Standing ovation from the audience for your honesty. Holy dang, girl! ((Hugs)) to you for your journey, high five for getting back in the race, and a comforting hand on your shoulder and a knowing look of understanding for what you’re going through.
    Not the thyroid stuff, I’m glad that’s normal now, though!

    Lord knows, I’m far from done myself, but from what I understand from others, it’s a start, BAM! Hit a bump in the road, get turned around completely kind of journey. Lol!

    Cheers to those of us that keep getting back up after getting knocked down!

    • Pam   •     Author

      We should get together and go walk when the weather is nice! It would be fun to catch up and talk about our journeys. The important thing is you keep getting up and that’s more than a lot of people! *hugs*

  3. Rebecca Jo   •  

    I love your honesty on your depression & anxiety. Its something I’ve suffered from for years myself. I was on medicine for a few years with it myself & it helped me tremendously… I ended up getting off of it a few years back. I think I probably need it again but the weaning process getting off of it was something I don’t want to do again.
    Glad to see you back in blog world :)

    • Pam   •     Author

      I pondered even blogging about this and I’m glad it’s brought comments like this. Too often depression and anxiety is stigmatized when it shouldn’t. I’m glad the medication has helped you. I’ve heard the weening process does suck. I am always reminded of when I forget to take my medication because I get a very bad headache if it’s the middle of the day and I’ve forgotten to take it that morning. I hope you get the help you need if you choose to go that route again.

  4. Charity   •  

    It is wonderful to hear from you. You aren’t alone as far as depression and anxiety goes. I am glad things are looking up some. Hang in there!

    • Pam   •     Author

      Charity, I apologize for not responding sooner. For some reason I didn’t get the alert about this comment. I hope things are going well for you! :)

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